With respect to Socrates, my unexamined life is not worth living. The front room is the face we show everyone but we hide our true self in the back room.
In the early morning, about an hour or so before I woke (when my most memorable dreams have come) my mind was accosted by a narrative revolving around the complicated relationship I have with my family. Often made even more complicated when you ask my family and they respond the relationship is not complicated at all and they do not know what I am talking about.
Well, it’s about being understood. If I believe my family knows what my needs are and appreciates my needs as valid, then I am usually more relaxed. Sadly, this relaxation does not come as often as I’d like, as the idea of what I am about is misinterpreted thus leaving me disappointed.
The responsibility to make my needs known is mine and this builds upon the lack of assertiveness and fear plaguing me for over 30 years.
Digression aside, my dream this morning specifically focused on the relationship I have with my youngest sister. Complicated indeed, as our roles and hierarchy have evolved over time. The older brother has an assumed role, especially one born less than two years apart, allowing for closer attachment. She always looked up to me. Even when she began asserting herself in junior high, her popularity star shining as mine waned. Given my physical maturation delay which triggered a discomfort in my body and soul, I distanced myself from her as we entered high school.
It became harder to try and please her and live up to older brother expectations. College became the ultimate low. Her perceived disappointment in me compounded the disappointment I felt for myself.
And then we became adults.
She grew harder and I grew softer. Disappointing her was now met with a barrage of insults and vitriol. My apologies often left me in tears.
So there we were, the whole family, in this room and I once again was crying, telling her how sorry I was that I let her down, that I was sorry our close relationship had dramatically changed and how I wish I could have been the brother she expected.
Then the scene ended.
The thoughts last night on knowing and unknowing myself may have brought on these unresolved issues, how misunderstood I feel from the people closest to me.