With respect to Socrates, my unexamined life is not worth living. The front room is the face we show everyone but we hide our true self in the back room.
I continue to struggle with how I spend my Internet time. The term “mindless” comes to mind. “Unfocused” may be another term. The most important thing is taking responsibility for my actions. In taking responsibility I consciously remind myself of life’s many options and what I choose to do with my spare time.
This is reason enough to continue writing on this blog. Even if the theme has yet to be revealed. Sure, the blog will be honest and personal, but more entries should clear a way for particular subjects of interest.
Today is a bit of a mess. After an exhausting weekend, I woke this morning feeling not refreshed but just as tired with an added feeling of anger.
Writing today doesn’t feel right.
Today will be a writing exercise and then I will clean a little and read some more.
The relationship with my youngest sister remains complex. I thought about my dream several days ago and I had a few more thoughts.
My sister has children and has in the past yelled at her children when they have misbehaved. That is how she responds to adults when they misbehave. I don’t know if I realized that before. Maybe the most painful aspect of some of our adult exchanges was how my younger sister infantilized me.
We were thick as thieves as children. I was constantly playing too rough, making her cry and every day the process was repeated. We got along great but I always underestimated my strength.
Funnily enough, we are both sensitive. The difference is that her sensitivity evolved and mine didn’t. She found a way to channel her sensitivity into a new emotion: rage. And that became her new defense mechanism. No one would get over on her ever again.
The problem is, it became a reflex and it did not always make her feel better. It was just something that happened to her when she got upset.
Flight, flight or freeze.
Those are the options when faced with an uncomfortable situation.
Most people freeze and then employ flight, as the passive way to not make waves and avoid the situation as fast and easy as possible. The discomfort is so great.
I stay in the freeze mode for longer than others. I have experienced motionless, speechless inaction many times. My desire to please and get along with people and not confront is quite strong. Almost as strong as my stock still condition when someone confronts me. Incidents have occurred with the same results from my teenaged years up to less than two weeks ago.
There will be plenty of time to go over these humiliating moments in later posts.
Ninety-nine percent of the time, I have a fantastic relationship with my younger sister. We have much in common, being each other’s influences for films, music, books and comedy. I still have the ability to make her laugh easier than anyone else in her life. She has been a constant active champion of my writing for over 20 years, even going as far as to nominate my book for her neighborhood book club and bring me in to read from the book and answer questions.
It’s the one percent that devastates me.